The Traits of a Perfect Partner — Learning the Science of Love

Love… That incredible feeling can turn your life upside-down in just a few days or build an entirely new you, but… Who to choose? What makes a perfect partner, and What’s a soulmate?

This topic will always be the hardest to write about, but let’s take on the challenge. I believe loves defies all science and moves beyond our soul, mind and bodies. In fact, it is probably one of the few things in life which can align the three of them and create a unique bond (like giving birth does) with another human being. And even though we can’t really select with whom we fall in love, it is in “Knowledge” that we can find the clues and perfect traits of a partner that can build or destroy us. Remember, one of the most critical decisions in life is “Who you choose to marry”.

To succeed in this regard, remember that “Love is a Skill”.

Your happiness, success, family, heritage, lineage, daily emotions and direction of your life will be influenced by the person you choose.

Let’s begin with the science and proven theories:

What makes a Perfect Partner?

The qualities of a perfect partner can vary depending on individual preferences and priorities, as Alain de Botton perfectly explains in his many books and videos, our decisions are primarily based on our Childhood, Familiar signs and Past experiences (including possible traumas from it).

In the book “How To Not Die Alone”, Logan Ury explains how we are prone to look for “Prom Dates” instead of a “Life Partner”, in other words, we let the “Present Bias” prioritise the short-term over the long-term. This is proven and studied by Behavioural and Statistics, it is the same Bias that makes us procrastinate.

A Prom Date is someone who looks great in pictures, all we feel is easy and amazing, makes us think we could show them off to our friends, and ultimately is just fun, but, in the end… a short-term fling. (Novelty, cheap dopamine and being used to rewards easy to achieve may trick us into this).

But, to find Long-Term Love, we must seek different traits in a partner. These lovers move beyond having a few similar views in life, great sex and things in common. They might educate your kids, solve any crisis by your side and influence 50% of your life. In her book, she breaks down these Traits into three categories.

1. Kindness and Emotional Stability

Multiple experts back the first one. We must find someone who is Emotionally Stable and Kind. To trust your entire life to another individual means to put at risk everything you’ve worked for (economically, physically, related to mental health, family connections, etc.)

Ultimately, finding a partner who is not emotionally stable can lead to an insecure attachment style, which can lead to changes in the personality of both partners and an endless spiral of toxicity between them. Some of the most confident and cheerful personalities have been broken by unkind words from their partner and an insecure attachment style, leading to them feeling anxious, insecure, not respected and vice versa. In most cases, it can destroy them before they decide to separate.

2. Growth Mindset

All relationships have problems, and half of the time, it’s simply due to external factors like jobs, kids, friendships, diseases and third-party situations. Experts suggest finding a person with a Growth Mindset as they will most likely approach the solution by working together to overcome the issue since they believe they can grow from it, while someone with a Fixed Mindset would just think that the problems signify the relationship is wrong, not being suitable for them and quit early on. In most cases, they are the most significant problem creators. Those with a growth mindset can double your success in life, while those with a fixed one may halve it.

3. Fighting Style

Arguments and Disagreements are part of a relationship, think about it, you will constantly be negotiating with the other person. This odd trait is essential as well. Finding someone who can fight well will ensure the resolution of conflicts properly. These people don’t let their emotions cloud their ways, they keep their kindness intact and approach the conversation from the heart. They may express themselves as soon as conflict arises to avoid resentment. Maybe they think first about how to talk to their partner to avoid hurting them.

These traits mentioned above are crucial to finding a Long-Lasting love which can keep blooming after the “In Love” season passes (around two years after the relationship began)

For those struggling to find love, to keep it or to bring theirs to the next level, here I leave the best books I’ve read for each of the topics. These can be a game changer for you and your partner.

  • To understand your partner and yourself fully, the way you like to be loved and the way they express love, one of the best books out there is:

The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

  • To keep the connection between the partners in a secure attachment style and avoid hurting the other with our actions:

Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure?

  • To become a better long-term partner, your connection to childhood and improve your skills in everything related to Love:

Relationships (School of Life Library)

  • To venture into dating and learn more about how to choose the right partner for you as well as how you love others:

How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love (English Edition)

And for the romantics like me… Let me add this last paragraph:

What is a Soulmate?

Based on extensive research and interviews with those who claim to have found theirs, the answer can be summarised as:

A soulmate is like a best friend, but more than that. It’s the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It’s someone who makes you want to be a better person because they inspire you.

A soulmate is someone who will carry you and be with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you, accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would.

And no matter what happens (distance, issues, break-ups, other people, life situations…), you will always love them. Nothing can ever change that.

Their presence hits different. It's a person, whose sheer physical presence makes you feel calm, relaxed and home. No words needed.